How to take your partner bikepacking
This is a guide on sharing your outdoor type 2-fun hobby with your partner. My specific use-case for this discussion happens to be bikepacking. However, for you it could be backpacking, rafting, sport climbing…you get the gist.
To share something like an outdoor type-2-fun hobby with someone is a very meaningful act. And to be the recipient, can be a very meaningful experience. It is a meaningful act and experience on both sides IF and only IF it comes from the right place. The caveat lies with the intent. The intent must be solely to invite someone —even briefly— into a world you’ve come to love. If you’re lucky, that someone will have a chance to understand your why for doing whatever the hell it is that you’re doing. That is it. It is an opportunity to learn. It is not a chance to show off how fast you can climb a hill, how many miles you can do in a day, or challenge your partner on an arbitrary standard of fitness.
I’m going to break this guide down into three phases with recommendations per phase based on my own experiences. It goes without saying, I am not a relationship therapist or trained therapist in any capacity. I’m just a person navigating the romantic relationship thing we humans do one trip at a time. In the air of shared knowledge, here are my nuggets of learnings.
Phase 1 of the couple trip: THE BEFORE
You and your partner do not need to have the same hobby. I repeat, you and your partner DO NOT need to have the same hobby.
Don’t place much pressure or expectations on sharing every interest or none at all, it’s fruitless.
COMMUNICATE (You’re going to see ‘communicate’ in all caps quite a bit throughout this guide. My guess is that I’ll end up writing it about 5 more times. We’ll see)
Do you want to go on this trip? Have a sincere conversation with this question. Affirm it doesn’t take away from the relationship if the answer is “no.” If you take umbrage on this point, refer to the above bullet. Taking someone on a trip when they don’t want to be there isn’t fun for anyone.
In my case, my partner and I just happen to enjoy bike riding, so asking her to go on her first bikepacking trip was a no brainer (that’s sound logic, right?).
Establish your intentions for the trip together. For some guiding questions on how to arrive there check out my previous piece How to pack for your first bikepacking or touring trip.
Plan together.
So they said yes! You’re entering the planning stage of a trip. If you’re anything like me, you can really nerd-out on planning a trip. We’re talking spreadsheets, detailed itineraries, gear lists, the works. It’s a gift and a curse. My advice is to bring your partner in on the planning stage. This is not to say take them through every grueling detail but when it comes to fun stuff like various interest points, do that bit together. Share the responsibility and get excited early.
Being excited about the trip is half the fun. My partner is not a big planner, so getting together and making decisions on specific interest points gave us the opportunity to say “I can’t wait to see blah” or “I can’t wait to have waffles on day 2 at blah.” The shared decisions will up the stakes and emotional investment.
Phase 2 of the couple trip: THE DURING
COMMUNICATE (#2) early and often.
You two are doing it! By now you know, being on the trip is a hell of a lot different than planning the trip from home. The beginning of phase 2 is the time to reiterate your intentions. Check-in to see if anything should change in those regards. Don’t be stubborn. Change can be good.
Don’t assume anything is obvious. This comes natural to me as an adult-onset-adventurer. These kind of trips can still feel so new, I don’t treat anything as common knowledge. Remember what it’s like to be doing something for the first time? This does not mean, mansplain to your partner on how to use a pocket stove. This means, allow your partner to ask questions and answer those questions the same way you’d want them to be answered for you.
Listen to body language
Don’t be the “are you okay?/how are we doing?” every 2 minutes person. Observe non-verbal signals to assess how we’re really doing. You’re going to learn so much about your partner.
There were moments in the first few hours of our ride during difficult stretches that I could tell she would welcome a rest but wouldn’t speak up. Perhaps she didn’t want to slow us down or she wanted to show she could keep up. Despite establishing our intent verbally, we hadn’t established our intent IRL. Let’s be real here, 4000ft of elevation gain across 40 miles on heavy steel bikes on flat pedals is hard. It’s hard as hell (that’s on me). Instead of asking her if she wanted a break, I announced “hey I need a 5 minute break, this shit is hard, I want to eat something” and she gladly stopped for me. I wanted her to know that despite taking her on a trip, I still need her to take care of me. It is always okay to stop for yourself when you need it and to feel secure in knowing the other person doesn’t interpret a rest as weakness or point of frustration. Make rest okay for everyone.
Do the thing together.
Share trip responsibilities. Most type-2 fun trips involve an element of teamwork. Break up the responsibilities and allow your partner to take care of you as much as you are taking care of them. The only way to do this is to COMMUNICATE (#3). It sounds petty, but one of the quickest ways to get frustrated is to be the only one setting up the tent, blowing up sleeping pads and cooking while the other sits back and watches a serene sunset across a lake. In that case, you’re doing it to yourself!
My partner and I split packing shared items and divvied up morning/evening tasks from tent setup to cleaning dishes. We were supporting each other in ways our relationship had yet to experience.
Have a backup plan.
Contrary to popular hustle culture these days, having a backup plan or the ability to quickly create one is important. Leave your ego aside and be flexible.
On our trip, the 1st day was a gnarly ride. Despite my extensive planning, I underestimated the elevation and we were zonked. It made for an incredible summit after 40 miles but zapped most of our physical and mental energy. Instead of repeating the same ride the following day, over breakfast I took out our map and outlined an alternate route that included a quaint cafe and half the miles. I wasn’t underestimating my partners ability to continue on, but I realized the current our trajectory didn’t align with our intention so we made the easy switch.
Phase 3 of the couple trip: THE AFTER
COMMUNICATE (#4)
DEBRIEF. So you finished the trip! Hopefully it’s the beginning of something beautiful and not the end of trips for the forseeble future. Now it’s time to talk about the trip. It does not have to be as formulaic as an After Action Report (AAR) but reviewing the trip with your partner is a must. This conversation is not just about highlights. Run through each day and talk about what you’ve learned. Here are a few questions to run through together.
What was a highlight? Why? How’d that make you feel?
What surprised you?
What’s something you learned about eachother?
CHILL and do nothing.
This bit of advice is a extra but it always makes a difference. After a fun but physically challenging trip, instead of going straight home, build in a night or 3 at the end of the trip for pure relaxation. This is the “vacation” part. Be able to do both.
After my partner and I spent a few days bikepacking in northern Colorado, we ended the trip at a secluded cabin near the rockies. It was the epitome of lounging around with pizza, movies and mountain views.
When in doubt, COMMUNICATE (#5). And stop for snacks.
